This reminds me of the experience I have when I look back at my childhood pictures - my sister and I had empty eyes. I learned that my feelings created problems for others in my house, so best not to have feelings.

I suppressed feelings for a very long time, then they all came out, then I suppressed them with alcohol, then that made a mess - and now, finally, I'm putting together a life - was there a "before?" I'm not sure - but there is a now - and I'm learning to create it.