The Thought of Drinking Makes Me Sick

And I’m happy about that

Photo by Brian Jones on Unsplash

I’ve known I needed to “get a handle” on my drinking since 2019. That’s when I first started reading about alcoholism and at least pondering cutting down on my consumption.

In 2020, I made several efforts to give up alcohol — and repeatedly returned to its siren song.

My last drink was in January of 2021.

I could stop by myself. But staying stopped required help — accountability, therapy, and sharing stories — it required connection.

For a long time, I just knew I couldn’t drink. That drinking=Bad. At least for me.

But I’d still have thoughts of a single drink in the back of a hotel bar, perhaps with a book by my side.

Or that time in 2017 when I had what I then considered a perfect cocktail at a restaurant on a vacation trip.

Even as I’ve walked my sober journey, I’ve been at work events and seen my colleagues having fun — and enjoying a drink or two. And just thought: Well, not for me.

It’s not that I wanted a drink.

That desire to have a drink left a while ago.

I did, though, have some positive associations — almost a resignation that this was just “not for me.”