Taking on the blame ourselves - wondering what WE can do to change the other person's behavior. For me, a lesson learned in childhood - what can I do to stop the screaming, etc. What can I do to "not be a problem." If only I . . .

Yes, it is important to assess our own role in any relational difficulty - but also, as you note, important to accept that the other person only changes if and when they want to change.