OMG - YES - it's not ok to make a 9 or 10 year old your marriage counselor - or to appoint the "older brother" as the de facto "man of the house" to "take care of things" because he's so calm. And yes, later, this person takes care of things - because he saw what happened when things weren't "handled." This can mean neglecting needs, enabling bad behavior, ignoring problems, and not wanting to upset a partner. Dealing with this reality is tough - but it is so, so rewarding.